The Monster Mash
by McNerdybird
Summary: A collection of random, nonsensical silly stories that has an overarching plot. I'm not sure where this'll go, or who will be in it but I do know that it will end with The Monster Mash. This is because - Don't expect anything serious from this, it's just a bit of fun. AU. Will contain crossovers.
1. The Swamp Invasion

Harry Potter had been wandering around in the Forbidden Forest for ages. Why, oh why, had he believed that Draco had left a present for him in it? It seemed obvious to him now! He trudged on, his clothes being ripped and torn, on and on.

Suddenly, he saw a light, glowing through the eerie trees. Could that be the way out? He walked towards it, hope rising in his very empty stomach. He passed a sign and tried to read it but it was smothered in slime.

He could make out some kind of house that was made out of a large tree stump. It looked like Dobby's face. The light shined dimly through one of the windows. The house appeared to have been constructed out of mud.

Harry was suddenly conscious of someone watching him, although he couldn't see them. He approached the old, thick door. He glanced around, then knocked. Nothing happened. He knocked again. Still nothing.

He suddenly heard the approach of heavy feet and a voice spoke in his ear, "what are you doing in ma swamp?" The voice had a Scottish accent. Harry slowly turned around and saw a great big, green, hideous ogre. Harry whipped out his wand but Shrek grabbed it and through it over his shoulder. "You won't be needing that," he said.

"Who – who are you?" Harry stammered.

"None of your business!" Shrek said.

"Hey, SHREK!" someone yelled. Shrek rolled his eyes. Donkey appeared in the clearing. "Who's this Shrek?"

"I don't know, I was just about to find out," Shrek replied, then turned to Harry. "Who are you? What are you doing here?"

"My name is Harry Potter. I'm a wizard at Hogwarts."

Shrek rolled his eyes again. "Yeah, and my name is Rapunzel and I live on the Death Star," he said sarcastically.

"No, seriously, do you not know of Hogwarts? It's that massive castle you live near. In fact, I think I can just about see it."

"Never heard of it. Now, hold still so I can throw you outta ma swamp."

Harry panicked, and looked at Donkey for help. "Hey, you, donkey. Help me," he pleaded. Donkey looked shocked. "How'd he know my name Shrek? How'd he know it? He must be able to read minds or somethin'. You're not getting my secrets. You can't have 'em," he yelled until Shrek held his muzzle shut. "Donkey, shut up," he said. Donkey's muffled speech continued under Shrek's huge hands but it was unintelligible.

Harry tried a desperate bid. "Look, Shrek is it? There are soldiers who are coming right now and they will kill you and destroy your swamp. But Hogwarts is safe. Help me get there and we can be safe." Harry looked at Donkey. "And you can bring him too."

"Do we have to?" muttered Shrek. It was obvious he didn't believe a word of this.

Suddenly, a gunshot echoed around the clearing. All three turned in the direction and saw a group of soldiers heading towards them, gleaming rifles pointed right at them. "Huh, what do you know? There _are_ soldiers coming after us," Harry said. He used the distraction to grab his wand from the floor, and sent a spell into the group of soldiers who scattered.

Donkey screamed and ran around in circles. Shrek picked up a nearby log and lobbed it at the nearest soldier. It hit him and he fell, unconscious. Harry stunned another soldier, and Shrek kept lobbing things at them.

But they were outnumbered. "We have to get to Hogwarts!" Harry yelled over the gunfire. Shrek nodded and whistled his fingers, then ran out of things to throw. So, he threw Donkey instead, who wailed through the air before colliding with a soldier and sprinting back, as fast as his little legs could carry him.

But there were just too many soldiers. They closed in. But Harry noticed a large dark shape shoot over the Forbidden Forest. Flame poured out of it and engulfed the forest. The soldiers had been cut off from the clearing.

A dragon, with long eyelashes, swooped down into the clearing and picked up the three, throwing them onto her back. "Just in time, baby!" praised Donkey.

Shrek looked down to see his house in flames. He shook his head. He also noticed a castle not far away. "How have I never noticed that before?" he questioned himself. "To Hogwarts!" he yelled to Dragon.

They soared rapidly through the cool night air. It wasn't long before they landed in the grounds of Hogwarts.

Professor Snape, who happened to be looking out of a window at that moment, noticed this event. He sighed, and accepted the fact that Harry Potter had just climbed off a large dragon, with long eyelashes, with an ogre and a donkey. "You can never resist a big entrance, can you Potter?" he muttered darkly.


	2. The New Professor

Meanwhile, in the Great Hall, Dumbledore was addressing the school. "Students, I have bad news to tell you. Wizarding kind, and all manner of magical creatures are being eliminated by Muggle soldiers. They say they do not feel safe around us. We must stay in Hogwarts. Be aware, I have invited other magical creatures to come and stay here. They will be with us in the future. But for now, let me introduce our new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor, Professor Schwarzenegger." Dumbledore nodded to a tall, muscly man with a machine gun.

Later, Professor Schwarzenegger was standing out in the corridor. Many girls swooned around him, asking to feel his muscles. The boys, on the other hand, were fuming. "Who does he think he is?" Ron vented to Harry. "He doesn't even have any magic!"

Dumbledore appeared behind him. "Ah, but Ronald, in Defence Against the Dark Arts, you do not need magic, if you've got a big enough machine gun."

Hermione, in the gaggle of swooning girls asked Professor Schwarzenegger why he decided to become a teacher. So, he slowly lifted his sunglasses of his face. And gazed into the distance, machine gun at his side. "Let me tell how I got here," he said in an Austrian accent. "I was walking naked along a road when suddenly a hairy behemoth on a strange motorbike raced down the road. I saw my opportunity. I stood in the way and the bike hit me and crashed to the side. I was unharmed and unfazed. I noticed the behemoth stagger to his feet. I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle, I said. I took them. I rode the bike along until I came to a services. I stopped to check the behemoths jacket. There was a note that said Hogwarts School. I read it out loud and the bike took me right here. Dumbledore gave me a job."

Everyone's eyes were fixed on Professor Schwarzenegger as he told his heroic saga. He slowly put his sunglasses back on. He walked off. "I'll be back," he said. Soon, he came back. He was carrying the clothes he took. He dropped them on the floor. "Here," he said. All the girls ignored it. Harry and Ron inspected the clothes. "Err…Harry, I think this was Hagrid. Hermione, look." Hermione waved him off and continued to stare at Professor Schwarzenegger.

Ron and Harry looked at each other. "But that means…Hagrid is out there with the wizard hunters."

Professor Schwarzenegger had walked off with long strides and the group of girls had dispersed. Harry and Ron nervously knocked on Schwarzenegger's office door. He opened it immediately. "Can I help you?" he said, his face unreadable.

Ron was frozen in shock, so Harry answered. "Yeah, um, well, we need your help. The 'behemoth' you attacked, was our fried and a member of staff here. We need to rescue him form the wizard hunters. And since YOU left him out there, we want you to help us." He looked nervously at the towering figure who stood silently for a couple of minutes. Then he bent down and took of his sunglasses and smiled at Harry. "We'll get your behemoth back, I promise."

A few minutes later, the trio were powering through the air in a helicopter, as black as night, as silent as night. Professor Schwarzenegger was playing the Airwolf theme tune. "This is where I attacked him. They spotted Hagrid's body by the side of the road. "Let's go pick him up. And we better be quick." He noticed some soldiers coming down the road.

They hovered down and landed on the deserted road. They got out and ran over to Hagrid. The soldiers began shooting at them. "Get to da chopper!" Professor Schwarzenegger yelled. They woke Hagrid and him, Harry and Ron scrambled to the helicopter. Schwarzenegger laid down covering fire. "Go, go," he shouted. "Leave me."

Hagrid sat down in the pilot's seat. "Down worry, boys. I know have to fly this bird." He expertly took off and spun in the direction of Hogwarts. He zoomed off into the distance, leaving Professor Schwarzenegger behind.


End file.
